I Belong Here

I slowly walked in. It was incredible how I was capable of breathing again! It was different, but somehow the same… exactly the same.  The scent of flowers, and the lazy sunlight in the early morning was like coming back to life after so long. I can almost swear I saw her sitting there in her old rocking chair near the window listening to birds while reading a classic. The smell of mint filled my lungs as I walked toward her. She was probably drinking tea. I heard a little girl’s laugh. She was running barefoot around the kitchen. Snow started falling, the sleepy summer morning turned into a winter night, white, pure. A smile fought with the tears running down my cheeks, a shout came out. She put her book aside and asked me about my trip. I ran and hugged her, air hugged me back. The little girl continued laughing... laughing loud… really loud. Silence has absolutely decided to get me deaf tonight. Sigh. I fell on my knees, looked her in the eye. She smiled. I tried reaching for her hand. The little girl got in the way. “Don’t!” she yelled. Her laugh faded. “You…” I barely whispered. “Yes” she cried. I hugged her tight, but didn’t mean to get my nails into her flesh. My back started bleeding. She screamed of pain. I backed off. She laughed.

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....

She took a step, looked backward, and then tried taking a deep breath. The silence was too loud, the eyes staring at her saw right through her. She slowly drowned in the darkness for the spotlight made no effort to chase her around. A beautiful symphony moved her little heart and brought back a blurred flashback, a small girl in a small town watching a bird fly and disappear in the horizon, a small girl who risked it all, a small girl who never knew. The music seemed to never end, and she had no clue what was going on. She was up in the clouds, she was in a black and white picture in a broken frame, she was an old letter that was never sent. The audience faked some smiles and clapped as the dead symphony faded. She froze, stared at their faces, looked up and almost flied.

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Untogether but Unchangeable

What if the mirror that you're staring at is the one that's broken? What if the only "you" you've ever known was the one you saw through those shattered pieces? What if going home\finding where you belong was only hard 'cuz you'd always walk down the road instead of falling into the sky?

You already know that "you'll always gonna stay, untogether" but being untogether isn't bad, at least you'll just be you.. unfixed. All of the pieces will belong to you, you'll be immaculate and no made-up emotions will be there to keep you holding on. You'll hold on 'cuz you're satisfied with the untogether you. And since that people's opinion doesn't matter at that point, they'd know you're halfway drifted, but still they won't try pulling you back 'cuz they know they'll mean absolutely nothing to you if they try saving\changing\fixing you. They'll still find it hard to accept the broken you, the one that time has shaped to perfectly fit your life but still in an inappropriate way, as they'll think. They'll see you so incongruous in a way or another, but yet you'll be unchangeable. 

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Nothing..,

when your thoughts follow you more than your fragile heart can handle. when the night comes and your little world dresses in black and mourns over the sun light that slipped away. When there "isn't enough wind to rip the nails out of the past". When you suddenly miss everyone you've ever knew, and almost regret the choices you've made.. the decisions that changed your life forever. You find out that all what keeps you going.. wait.. you don't really know what keeps you going! is it the hope for a better day, or you just go on 'cuz you go on? 

when you freeze from the inside and your soul shatters. All what keeps the pieces tied together is the fear of causing any sort of pain to the ones you care about, without even wondering if they feel the same way 'cuz you just do. Your feeling are your own, they can be one-sided if you choose to. The other side shouldn't affect you whether they knew or didn't. Somehow they don't matter. They're just there as a matter of fact and nothing else. If it makes sense, your feeling are your own little private things, you can share them if you want to, but if you don't .. they'll remain pure .. exactly like the first time you got them. 

when the world slowly turns into a monster. When you shutdown on yourself and block out the world. When dreams\nightmares take over your life, and reality becomes nothing much to worry about. Faded pictures, blur memories and flashbacks become everything. Simply, when there's nothing left to lose.

"and I wish that I could,

snap my fingers, make myself disappear.

snap my fingers, get myself out of here."

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-[ جُنونُ تناقض .,،

 هذا كُنت، و هكذا سأكون.. دوماً، رُبما. آخذ الأمور بطفولية.. أحياناً، و أحياناً أخرى أبالغ بمدى جدية أخذي لها. قد أحمرّ خجلاً بسبب كلمة عابرة أو قد أكون باردة تماماً. أهِيَ حيرة؟ رُبما.. و كيف لي أدري؟ مُجرد بقايا، تِلكَ أنا.. أو هكذا قيلَ لي. أتَفَوّه بِكَلماتٍ حمقاء ثمّ أندم، و أكررها فأندم من جديد، إلى أن.. أصمُتَ تماماً. قد لا يكون الحل المثالي لكنه يفي بالغرض إلى حدّ ما. تغيّرتُ حقّاً في الأشهُر الأخيرة، ليس بسبب تكرار قولِهم ذلك.. لا، تغيّرت بالفِعل. طبيعَتي الهادئة بدأت بالتلاشي، و اللامُبالاة أصبحت من أولى الكلمات في قاموسي، و رُبما الأيضاً ذلك الشعور المُزعِج بالفراغ و عدم الرغبة بفعل أي شيء على الإطلاق. إما ضحك أو بُكاء، أين اختفى الحل الوسط؟ أهُو تحديقي المستمر في الفراغ... لا أدري إن كانت اللامُبالاة قد أوصلتني إلى هذا الحد أم أن الأمر كان داخلي منذ البداية. فحين أبتسم لا يبذل وجهي أي جهد لإظهار تلك الإبتسامة فتبقى محبوسة في الداخل، رغم صدقها التام. و الحال ذاته إن حزت أو غضبت. أجل قد أسرح بخيالي فجأة، فلا تظن أني أتعمد تجاهلك. كما أنني أصبح صماء تماماً عندما أقرأ، فلا تُحاول مناداتي، أو حتى الصراخ فهُو لن يجدي. ما من داعٍ لأن تحكُم علي من موقف عابر أو مُحادثة قصيرة، أو حتى بعد وقت طويل من معرفتي. لأنّ العشوائية التامّة قد تُسيطر على أفعالي أو كتاباتي . فأنا مزيج من تناقضات لم أميز بينها للآن. فإن لم أكُن قد عرفتُ نفسي بعد، فكيف لك أنت؟ و إلى أن يحين الوقت الذي سأتعرف فيه على تِلك الـ[أنا] داخِلي.. سأكون مُتناقضة، مُتناقضة بجُنونٍ قد لا يُعجِبك، لكنني أعشَقُه.

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[ The Actress ]

The look on her face was hard to explain. She repeated the same words for the eighteenth time, and stopped caring if she was doing the scene right or not. It was hard to tell how tired she was of acting sad.. or even happy. I wouldn't say she was that kind of person who'd easily get bored, but she had enough of getting judged on how good she pretends to be someone else! She wanted to be herself.. she wanted to stop worrying about how she looks like or if anyone will recognize her in a foreign country, or even which paparazzi will take the first picture of her when she takes one step out of her house. She wanted to be ignored or at least treated like a normal person . She wanted real friends and not just attention seekers. And yes, she did wish on every shooting star to be free. Because she wanted to be known for her real self and not just as [The Actress] ..,


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A forest tale ..,

She was sitting under a huge tree in a very quiet forest, and when it started raining the trees came back to life ! she didn't think it was the right time to think of the past nor the future. Just living the moment was enough itself. she was lost in the moment .. she was safe.. she thought that some people are pathetic, literally pathetic for killing such a peaceful place.. it was so beautiful, so calm, so green. she heard a whisper "stay here dear". The forest talked to her! she must be dreaming, but surprisingly she didn't shake at all! she wasn't afraid, she felt home. She decided that she doesn't want to wake up ever again - if it was a choice - . she was happy 'cuz she finally found where she wanted to spend eternity. Well, it's just another choice she made, if the forest will die, she'll go along with it. It was a part of her now, or she's a part of it to be correct. She was as far from herself as she could ever be. She was a free spirit wandering in this lonely forest, not really looking for herself, but for the right place to settle down in with the new part of her. It was an endless forest, it was hers! This is all what her dreams are made of.. this will never fade.. this was good enough for her. She counted the countless colors around, she even caught a rainbow and pushed her black and white life away for good. For the first time she didn't care that she was alone, that it was getting dark or that it was too quiet. This is what she was going to live for what ever it takes. No one was going to wait and watch to take advantage of her weakness, nor was anyone going to watch for her either. But that was ok 'cuz the forest was going to watch out for her, she believed in that. Suddenly, she felt leaves falling over her face, she open her eyes and real life hit her. She stood up slowly, looked around and then walk away with no desire to leave at all. She remembered a soft voice that echoed in her head "Stay here dear", so she smiled and said "I'll be back, all the time, for me .. this is home!" then continued walking.


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